Posts tagged Environment
See What You Did?
Dec 21st
'Challenging year' ahead, Harper warns
Yup, you read that right. Thanks to the angry environmentalists, who see any potential technological working as proof we're destroying our planet, it looks like we're in for some tough economic times. It actually is a good thing that we're trying to clean up the outdoors –
…since clearly, so many of us will end up living in them if the trend continues.
Damn hippies.
Doing My Bit For A Better Tomorrow
Nov 21st
Tomorrow, according to our good friends at the weather department of the local news channel, is supposed to be a blustery -1° Celsius. Apparently, according to the gods of weather records, this is 7 degrees lower than we are supposed to have on this particular day, at this particular time of year. And so, this leads me to one, inescapable thought, that keeps me tossing and turning and gnashing my teeth in the night:
Those environmentalist suckholes are wrong.
I've been spoon fed the same line for most of my natural life: If we don't curb our wasteful ways, the world will suffer from Global Warming (note the capitals – they're important), which will raise the average global temperature by 4°, raise the water levels and create vicious tsunamis that will devastate life as we know it. If I throw that empty Coke can into the garbage instead of the blue bin, I am condemning myself, my family, my children, and my children's grandchildren's nephew to a life of hell on Earth – if any life at all.
Well, I gotta ask: where is this temperature raise we're warned about? Honestly! Because it seems like no matter how much crap still gets turned into pollution, it's getting freaking colder in the winter!
I'll be honest with you; I'm doing my part to support global warming. On Wednesday morning, I go through other people's garbage, and throw empty cans back into the regular waste. I order my products from as far away as possible – you haven't lived until you've had pancakes with maple syrup from Japanese maples! – and I try to feed brown beans to cows whenever I can. I take my SUV everywhere, including the Tim Horton's drive-thru beside my house. I eat three times as much meat as the average carnivore, and every time I go out to lunch with a vegetarian or vegan, I ask them to double the meat. I flush. Repeatedly. For farts even.
Here's my thinking on the subject: living in Canada, I would welcome 4° more as a regular temperature. Sure, it'd be hotter in the summer, but I try to stay indoors in the summer with the AC cranked. There would be less snow, which I hate shoveling, driving in, and seeing outside a glass globe. And those tsunamis that threaten the coast line? Well, it'd kill off a whole bunch of people I don't know, lowering the overcrowding problem in the world, (Sorry, Elissa! But you should move back to Ontario anyways!) as well as bringing the shoreline closer to my house, which increases its property value.
And look who we'd be losing! New York, Miami and LA are considered some of America's most crime ridden cities. Gone! All those rich jerks that have houses right on the beach? Gone! Most of Hollywood's A-List? Gone! And that leaves plenty of acting jobs for the rest of us, you know!
Think of all those pictures of glamourous destinations that you couldn't afford to go to. Well, after Global Warming, most of those places would be underwater, or turned into deserts! Central Africa could really use the water – who are you to keep them from it? The Middle East as well, which would probably chill them suckers out, for good measure. There would be more food to go around, globally, and since Canada is a great source of natural resources, we'd make a killing selling to the fewer nations of the world!
So, c'mon people! One man can't make a difference all his own! Help promote Global Warming! Daddy needs a new speedo, and there's only so many cans of Coke I can drink a day! British Airways is doing their part, why don't you?
It’s Not Easy Being Green
Sep 20th
Today, for some strange reason, I've been considering the ecological situation. Which translates as, "please be prepared, I'm going to go on an angry, logic-fueled but highly un-PC rant". You've been warned.
Thanks to the constant shoving in my face by various sources of the ecological trouble the planet is in, I find it harder and harder to ignore the situation. This, however, is not as good a thing as those perpetuating the onslaught would like. I get Facebook applications, television pleas, angry blogs, happy blogs, and even invasive conversations from 'green' friends, who despair for their planet, their children, and possibly my immortal soul.
I hear that what I do with my life is wrong. And if I attempt to do something to better my impact, I'm told it's not enough. And guess what, dear readers? There's even a mathematical way to show how evil I am! Today, I discovered this, which helps you chart your pure evil by numbers, and let you know what you are doing wrong, and why, no matter how hard you try, you will never be good enough to save the planet.
I have some problems with this though. This quiz has determined that I am using 9.1 hectares to live, and that each person gets 1.8 hectares to live. And hey, if everyone lived like you, you dirty bastard, we'd need 5 earths! But this assumes certain things that aren't necessarily justified assumptions:
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That everyone on Earth is justified in being here, and therefore there should be an even split in the worlds productive hectares. This includes criminals, evil dictators, and people that should, by all rights, not be allowed to live.
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That overpopulation is a necessary evil, and that the best course of action is to curb our environmental impact, rather than assessing each family based on their contributions to humanity; ie. intelligent and successful families have given more to the earth than the overfull trailer parks of the world. Why does each member of a white trash, 16-child family which has 18 IQ points between them all deserve the same amount of food as myself?
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The quiz in no way takes into consideration any other contributions to the environment. I think a person's entire life should count, and the fact that in my role as property manager, I curbed more environmental damage than most neighbourhoods contribute should be added to my total. Don't I deserve a greater slice of the pie than someone who just recycles, and doesn't flush when they pee?
I think most eco-freaks decide that the only things that matter are their approved methods of contributing to the global equation, and that anything that is "wrong", cannot possibly be justified. This is short-sighted and close-minded. Hey, here's a thought! Maybe I don't want my child to have an easy go of things! Maybe I think that suffering and hardship builds character, and maybe I think the only way a baby bird can fly, is by pushing him out of the nest!
And why do I have to help your children? Aren't they going to turn out to be preachy, boring people like yourself? Doesn't the law of averages say that if global warming is going to start taking lives, it'll take the unintelligent people that haven't prepared for the inevitable by plowing forward and using our natural resources to scientifically develop a way to weather the future? I'm sorry your granola children can't handle the sun with your hemp-woven shirts and their bare-feet. My plastics-heavy shoe-clad, artificial blend clothes-wearing educated and meat-eating children plan to outlive them by quite a margin.
Probably by using your hippie kids as a shield.
