[Originally Posted November 27, 2006 on another blog of mine I have decided to take down.]

While leafing through Amazing Spider-man #536, I was struck by something that hadn't really occurred to me. This lead to an interesting conclusion, which I thought I might share. I was noticing the banter back and forth, during the Iron Man/Spider-man beat-down, when Iron Man shut down the Iron Spider outfit with a verbal command. Yeah, we all figured that was going to happen. And then, lo and behold, Spidey has his own command to re-power the suit. Good for you, Pete!

Spidey then trades his barbs right back to Tony, and says he wouldn't be any kind of a techie if he hadn't foreseen the shut-down. Which is where I paused.

Spider-man — a techie.

Yeah, we all accept that Peter Parker is a brilliant scientist. He's a little science nerd who only got his powers because of a school science field trip, and constantly outwits much more powerful opponents through his scientific know-how. Fighting Hydro-Man? Better use electricity. Fighting Sand-Man? Throw some cement in with him. Electro? Thank god you found some rubber insulators.

In reality, in the last little while (and by that, I mean years), Spidey has come off as more of a science fanboy then an actual scientist. He's used as sort of a Trivial Pursuit level of genius. His role of late in the New Avengers is to explain Tony's jargon to the layperson. But he hasn't invented or tweaked anything brilliant in years. All he does is do a good job of keeping that bottom rung warm in the "big brains" of the Marvel U.

I remember the old cartoon from the 60's, where Spidey was seen almost as often in a lab coat with a couple of stereo-typical beakers in his mitts, trying to blend something to take out the menace of the week. And I got a kick out of that. It meant learning something about science in school might actually bring us one step closer to super-heroism at one point in our life.

Okay, so I was depressed now. I mean, that was the main reason I liked the whole "Iron Man takes Spider-man under his wing" thing in the first place. Peter actually got to show his brains, rather than his fists.

But – I then managed to hurt my head a little through my next line of thinking. I asked myself: Self, what was it that established Parker as an inventor in the first place?

And the answer to that, despite the fact that most people already know it, surprised me again. Peter Parker gets bit by a radiated spider, gaining the proportional speed and strength of a spider (also, the ability to sense danger — we'll get to that). And so, in order to aid him in his crime-fighting, 15-year-old (am I right on that?) Peter Parker decides to invent the equivalent of spider webs! That's right. He can lift 15 tons, so he should have webbing that had the strength of steel. And to make it easier to deploy, he made it a liquid that fired from high-pressure nozzles, and solidify into the webbing. Oh, and also, it dissolved in about an hour.

So what little teen Parker did, based on necessity, was to invent spray-steel! That's right, the industrial equivalent of SPRAY-CHEESE was invented by a 15-year-old, who never came even close to demonstrating that level of genius prior. Or, for that matter, since.

And why hasn't the government picked up on this? Couldn't you alter this formula slightly, and use it to repair the holes in tanks, or battleships? Remember, this stuff is flexible steel, for all intents and purposes. He carries liquid polymers that can catch and hold vehicles, in compact shooters on his wrist!

How has Reed Richards not come out with his own version? How has Peter not managed to sell this to the army, or SHIELD, for military purposes? Shouldn't he be almost as rich as Stark now? Doesn't he own the patent on this stuff? Not to mention Ben Reilly's variations with impact webbing and his "stingers".

When last we left my examination of the one-and-only Spider-man, I had voiced my disbelief in the concept of teenage created super-polymer spray-steel. Yeah. I'm still huffing and puffing about it, but that's pushed to the side for an even bigger leap of logic.

The Spider Sense.

On the surface, it makes sense. The concept behind the Spider Sense has a certain beauty — Spidey has a sixth sense that twigs to danger to him. I would imagine by letting him know when things are hurtling towards him, much like a fly always seems to know when you're trying to slap him. But in Pete's case, it's like ESP that tells him danger is coming.

Okay, fine. No problem so far.

Apparently, the Spider Sense can also detect when people are dangerous, even if they haven't attacked Spidey. Or even know they might want to attack him. I remember Spidey having his Spider Sense go off when a werewolf walked by, only the werewolf was in human form, and was quite polite at the time. So…the Spider Sense has the ability to sense potential danger? I know the Beyonder used to set the Spider Sense off, and he actually seemed to like Peter.

So, why doesn't the Spider Sense go off around costumed, powerful heroes? Why doesn't Wolverine set it off? That guy's got a hair trigger — he could kill anyone in a berserker rage — doesn't that warrant a twinge of danger? Luke Cage could pulverize Spidey — nothing? And Spider-man has had more accidental battles with superheroes than almost anyone in the Marvel Universe, with the possible exception of the Hulk — 'cause everyone has to fight the Hulk, eventually.

Okay, fine. We have Spider Sense A.I. I don't know how they explain it, but I guess we have to accept it, since it seems to happen often enough. But, keeping that in mind, shouldn't the Spider Sense detect other, less obvious dangers? If Pete writes a cheque that's gonna bounce, shouldn't it twig him to that? Or date a girl with a communicable disease?

Okay, those were for fun.

Finally, technically speaking, there is one other invention that Peter Parker is famous for, and it's almost more unbelievable than spray-steel webbing: the Spider Tracers. Okay, get this. Peter, realizing that he has the ability to "sense" danger, invents a tracer he can fire out of his wrists that allows him to use his Spider Sense to track them.

Um, how?

Do the tracers send out concentrated signals of danger? Are they miniature bombs that react only to Spider-man's DNA, hence presenting a potential danger only he can detect? Or has he somehow infused them with ill will towards himself? I mean, they've never damaged or hurt anyone, so how can he track them with his "danger" sense? Did he figure out the frequency of his own skull, slightly different than anyone else, and program it into the tracers at just below the painful level, hence making them a threat, but not a serious one?

Seriously, people! I want this explained! I don't get either the sloppiness of this creation, or the fact that this could make Peter Parker the most ingenious man in the Marvel Universe. Screw Reed Richards — Peter invented evil machines that have no other function except to hate him enough so he can track them from a distance!

And thus ends my examination of Pete's inventions…or at least until I get brave enough to look at the Spider Belt Light…